Intimacy is where the good sex is at... Having trouble with sex in a long-term relationship is an incredibly common experience. So much so, that some people consider it "something you just have to accept". Sex troubles can mean different things to different people. Sometimes it means there is simply NO sex happening; sometimes sex is infrequent; sometimes sex is dull or routine or lacking emotional connection. Loss of sex puzzles people who come to share their stories with me: "I love him, I don't understand where the desire has gone!" "She's as beautiful as the first day we met - but for some reason I have lost interest?" "We just don't seem to connect anymore." The first thing that we need to understand when talking about sex is that sex comes from intimacy. Of course sex can happen where there is very little or no intimacy, such as in many one-night stands. But in a longer term or committed relationship, sex requires intimacy. Intimacy is the environment that great sex happens in. The first thing I say to people in this situation is "Stop focusing on sex and take a look at your intimacy." For starters, sex won't happen in an environment of pressure and expectation. 'Shoulds' and 'oughts' will dry up passion and desire with lightning speed. That's the reason one-night stands are so easy - there's usually no pressure and no expectation. The second thing I tell people is that intimacy with another being starts with knowing ourselves. When you think this through it makes sense - exactly how can we hope to connect deeply to another human being when we haven't been in contact with ourselves for hours, months or years? This is even true of the person in the relationship with the higher desire for sex (there is always one who wants sex more often). Whilst it may not necessarily seem logical - even the person wanting sex, needs to first take a look in their own backyard if they are hoping to make a real connection. Looking in Your Own Backyard What does this mean? Well basically I am talking about a conducting a weather report on matters within yourself. For example, how is your energy, how is your life satisfaction, how is your health? Are you eating well? Are you moving your body regularly in some form of exercise that you love? Are you stressed by outside matters? Are you living with depression or anxiety or any other mental health issue? Are you getting enough support? How often do you have time alone doing something for yourself? How do you feel about your own body? Is your self esteem high or low or variable? Do you respect yourself and care for yourself or neglect and abuse yourself? Are you good at relaxing and letting go - or do you need to be tighly in control of all that happens around you? When you read this list of questions, you begin to see how many factors can influence our capacity for intimacy. So we focus on sex, feel upset or guilty that it's not happening, when instead we need to focus on the fact that intimacy with another starts with ourselves. Generally speaking, our skills at being intimate with ourselves need some work. I'm not speaking about masturbation - although that's an aspect of self-intimacy. I'm talking about being with yourself, nurturing yourself and making contact with yourself regardless of what's happening! Intimacy starts with presence. Presence simply refers to the ability to bring your awareness to the current moment. Let's look at what presence looks like in the act of connecting with a sexual partner. Intimacy Starts with Presence Firstly don't try to be something you are not – just try to be more authentically wherever you are. This isn’t meant to be cryptic – it is simply meant as permission to come back to your real experience in the moment. Think about it this way; if this were the beginning of a cross-country trek, you would have to start exactly where you are, even if you don’t like where you are. You might be in the bottom of the valley. You might be on the wrong side of the river. But if you are not honest about where you are then you will never get to your destination. You have nothing to gain by trying to be somewhere you are not. Breathe and accept what is…. That means if you feel bored, sleepy, frightened, nervous, disengaged – be honest about it (at least to yourself, and probably also with your partner). If you feel like lying back and being done, then rather than just assume this will be the case, perhaps you could say “Baby, I’d love it if you just focused on me tonight, I just want you to do me”. If you want to lie back because you feel some performance anxiety or lack confidence in your body, then that’s your starting point. Be with it, unfold it, accept it until your experience begins to inform you about what you need and want. If you can’t be emotionally engaged then be with that experience and find out what’s important about that. Perhaps you are emotionally drained from your work, or family. Perhaps a head-to-toe massage would be more sensual for you right now. Or maybe you aren’t feeling romantic and sensitive – in fact, right now you are more in touch with your animal and you just want to fuck hard and fast until you are both covered in sweat and collapse on top of each other in a heap. If you have low libido then just sit with that experience more lovingly and consciously until you determine what ‘low libido’ means. Does it mean you are hurt about something that happened earlier today (or last September) and punishing your partner? Does it mean you aren’t enjoying sex in your relationship? Do you want more or less of something? Does it mean you can’t make love until you feel intimately connected to your lover? Do you feel crippled by the pressure to "have sex", crippled by an inner critic or low self-esteem? Whatever is happening or not happening, trust your low libido, follow it and let it speak to you, and it will show you the way back to your authentic experience. Only when we are authentic and fully present can we enjoy great sex and love-making. One simple thing needs to be understood – the quality of your connection with another is a direct reflection of the connection you have with yourself. When we are connected to who we are in each moment; when we know what we want, when we accept our fantasies, fears, desires and needs; when we are not afraid to be with ourselves and whatever is there; when we want to know ourselves – really know ourselves fully - then we have self-intimacy and this is all we need to begin to develop intimacy with another. Intimacy means “close, friendly, detailed knowledge or familiarity…” according to the Concise Oxford English Dictionary. It isn’t necessarily about another person, but this is a common mistake, that if we want intimacy we have to focus on the other person, and meanwhile ignore the quality of our friendship with self! Warmest wishes, Michelle Please do not copy or reproduce this article without permission of the author © | 
