Conflict Tips One issue at a time thanks! Our lives are not dependent on whether or not we have conflict. It is what we do with conflict that makes the difference. Thomas F. Crum When conflict breaks out in your relationship, don’t be tempted, in your anger, to dredge up everything you have ever been upset about. Conflict is difficult enough without multiple issues or hurts compounding the discussion. The urge to bring up past hurts or issues is usually because we feel uncomfortable being in the hot seat. It’s a defensive reaction to say “Yeah, well, you do that too, you know!” or “How come it’s alright for you to…” The other reason you might get into dragging up old issues is because you felt angry or hurt and ignored it at the time – and then you want to bring it up 2 weeks later when your partner is upset with you about some other issue!! If you continually feel like dredging up issues, this is a good indicator that they have not been fully resolved. When an issue is resolved, most people feel settled, ‘over it’, peaceful, complete. Resolved issues float away like clouds, not forgotten necessarily, but emotionally reconciled. If you are feeling unresolved on some issues, make note of them, and try to determine why you still feel unsettled. Perhaps you did not feel heard by your partner. Or you did not feel you got a sincere apology. Maybe you did not stand your ground, allowing your partner to think things were okay, when they were not. Perhaps you were not sure how to ask for what you want. Perhaps you did not own up to ‘your stuff’ in the conflict. Also write down how things would look and feel when they are truly resolved (i.e., my partner would not act that way anymore, my partner would acknowledge my hurt, I would acknowledge this thing is important to me etc). Be fair in this process; things cannot go all your way. Look for a win-win situation, rather than a win-lose scenario. When this is done, set aside some time with your partner to talk them through, rather than bringing them up in the middle of a separate conflict. If you feel uncertain whether you and your partner can discuss the issue without it becoming heated, then seek out a third party for assistance (a qualified helper rather than friend or family) Handy Tip: If you notice you or your partner getting into multiple issues, stop it by saying something like, “Hang on, we seem to be getting into a few different things here… I want to us to talk about everything that’s important but let’s just take it one at a time. The first thing you were saying was…” Go gently, Michelle Please do not copy or reproduce this article without permission of the author © | 
