Relationship Conflict, Fighting, Communication

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The Good Fight

Nature doesn't see conflict as negative. Nature uses conflict as a primary motivator for change.

Thomas F Crum

Communication troubles are at the heart of conflict. When communication goes badly, we tend to get into conflict. Conflict doesn't always look loud and argumentative; sometimes conflict is a silent tension that no-one wants to break; sometimes it looks likes avoidance or even smiles and pleasantries on the surface.

When I talk about communication, I am refering to all aspects of what is said, including but not solely the words we speak. In fact, communication is always happening, even when people are completely silent. Consider what comunication would be without tone of voice, eye contact, body language, body positions, space, pace, rhythm, inclusion and ommission of words, context, and finally unspoken and unintended messages.

You use a multitude of complex verbal and nonverbal signals to express yourself. And you are very good at picking up on all of these different types of communication in your partner and other people and yet somehow, it is possible to remain largely unconscious of all that we communicate.

A central problem with communication today is that we still do not give enough credit to non-verbal forms of communication. We do not have a language for expressing the many layers of what we hear. We remain on the surface, relying solely on “the words” and then wonder why we end up in strife. It is as though a part of our brain takes everything on face value, whilst another calcualtes the complex meanings behind anothers commincation. In fact, we simply havent been trained to notice and reflect on the subtlties of language.

How often do you have or have you overheard a conversation that sounds like this?

Well, I hear you saying you want to listen, but I also notice that your tone of voice and body language seem to express something else. Are you aware of what else you might want to say?

We just don’t get down to this level often enough. We focus too heavily on words to our detriment. Our biggest growth in relationships of all kinds is to learn how to attend to all levels of communication. We would benefit greatly from gaining fluency in our own non-verbal and unintended communication signals. In most cases our inability to hear the fullness of our own message leads us deeper and deeper into conflict. It sets of a chain reaction of double messages – which I call double talk – when both people are sending double messages without awareness. Let’s take a look at how this gets us into messy relationship conflicts.

Double Talk

A double message or double signal is when you say one thing but mean another. In fact you may mean both things at once – but for some reason, you give preference or priority to only one part of your whole message. Often this is an unconscious process – we don’t realize we are sending two conflicting messages. Let’s say your partner has just informed you of her plans to go out with some friends on the weekend. You have a discussion about it and hint at whether you are being invited. Your partner says that it’s something she wants to do alone. At this point your words will be used to communicate the more known or palatable message:

Hey babe, I just planed to catch up with Bob and Jane on Saturday morning - is that okay with you?

“I guess that's fine!” But your tone of voice or body language expresses “I’m hurt and angry that you’re not including me.”

Your partner hears the unexpressed message and zooms in one this. Suddenly, you’re in the middle of conflict. Your partner is saying “Well I won’t go then!!” This really means “I’m pissed off at you because I feel controlled and I’m going to make you pay for it!”

And you reply “I said it was FINE!!”

Silence and confusion! What has just happened?

Two conversations just happened – but only one of them happened consciously. If the double messages had been spoken, there could have been an open and heartfelt conversation:

“Honey, I just made some plans to go out on Saturday morning with Jane and Bob.”

“Oh, ok, that’s fine of course…(pause)…I also notice I feel a bit hurt – it doesn’t sound like I’m invited…I was hoping to catch up with Jane and Bob too and I want us to spend some time together…”

“I want us to spend some time together too…but I am really craving some ‘me’ time with my friends… how about we have them around for dinner next week…and let’s make some ‘us’ plans now?”

What is different about this second dialogue is that both parties are paying attention to all levels of what they are communicating - nothing is ignored - everything is brought in clearly and openly. The individuals here are using their full attention to notice not only the primary or intended comunication (I'm going out with Jane and Bob; its okay to go out with Jane and Bob), but also the secondary or more unintended aspects of communication (a hurt sounding voice, and the deliberately ommitted invitation). In this dialogue both the primary and the secondary aspects of the message are quickly included, leaving no room for messy conflict arising from miscommumication or misunderstanding

Undoing Double Signals

On the receiving end of double signals you hear the spoken message but also react to the unspoken message; their body language, tone of voice, eye contact or choice of words. As a result you might get defensive, feel confused, or believe you are not getting the full story. So you half consciously respond to both messages, and your partner (who is often unaware they are sending double messages) then feels angry or frustrated – “Why isn’t she hearing me?”, “He’s not listening!” “That’s not what I’m saying.”

Double messages can haunt a relationship like ghosts. You can feel their presence - trouble is you can’t quite see them or put your finger on them! You might be sure you have seen one but your partner denies it outright! “That’s not what I said!!” “You’re putting words into my mouth!” “I am LISTENING!”

Double signals are tricky to nail down – and really we all need to look out for our own double signals. Usually they arise because you haven’t taken your own side strongly enough. You try being nice, compromising, understanding – all the while ignoring the part of you who feels irritated, betrayed, hurt etc. Your words might be saying “Honey, I understand - its fine!” But your tone will unveil your deeper feelings.

Sudden and surprising conflict is a fantastic indicator that there are double signals happening. If you didn’t expect to have a fight, you don’t know why you are fighting, or you feel generally confused or fuzzy about what’s going on – check out if you have brought out all your thoughts and feelings about the issue at hand. Try standing more directly for something or try to look for the signals in your message that might have contributed to your partners reaction.

If we could all fight more consciously there would actually be fewer misunderstandings and more intimacy as a result. Too often we are afraid to realy speak our full truth, for fear of conflict, without realizing that we cannot help but speak our full truth and conflict comes when we do it unconsciously. All this means is that truth wants to come to the surface and its smoother all round if we do this ourselves rather than force our loved ones to do it for us.

From here you check out some more conflict tips in 'From Accusation to Intimacy'

Warmest wishes,

Michelle

Thanks to Arnold and Amy Mindell and all my teachers from the Process Work community worldwide, who have taught me more about conflict, relationship and community than I ever knew I could learn.