Relationship Conflict, Accusations, Intimacy

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From Accusation to Intimacy

Or how to get away with finger pointing and still have fun and passion!

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves... C.G Jung

It seems like errant logic to claim that hurling blame at your partner could actually enhance intimacy. But, when hurled with consciousness, accusations can take couples to a deeper level of love and respect. Not convinced…? Then read on and try it for yourself.

Here is a typical couple in conflict: Lee accuses Jane of being cold and distant. Jane automatically defends herself, complaining of being tired and stressed by her workload. Lee retorts with more volume, “That’s always your excuse; you’ve been saying that for 2 years now”. You can tell this exchange is old and tired.

I stop Lee and suggest she make the accusation more clearly and really get to the essence. She starts again this time more consciously and says “You are never affectionate with me; you show more love to your friends!” I ask her to explain these feelings to Jane in more detail. “Well it seems like you can be warm and loving when you want to be and that hurts”. I ask an obvious question: Why does that hurt? She replies “Because I love her and I want more intimacy and closeness, like we once had…”

Then I encourage Jane to take her time, carefully consider Lee’s accusation and look for just one percent of truth in what she is saying. She agrees that there is some truth to Lee's accusation; she does turn on her affection for her friends, and not for her partner. She becomes defensive because she doesn’t want to admit that she is taking the relationship for granted, but she has been.

Now I ask her to take her own side again and defend herself more consciously. “What I said is also true; I am exhausted and don’t have the emotional space I once had!” She seems truthfully exhausted, so I focus on her: “Forget Lee and her needs for a minute, and focus on what you need for yourself in this situation”. Jane pauses and then replies “I have been thinking for a while that I’d like to cut back to just 3 days a week, but haven’t done anything about it – I know that we can survive financially and I wouldn’t be so tired all the time. It would mean a significant drop in income and affect us both and I have been unsure about mentioning that to Lee, whether she would want that because she enjoys the good things in life so much.” Jane seems relieved to have spoken her true feelings and looks up at Lee for her reaction. Lee smiles happily and says she is happy to live without some extras if it means they can have more quality time. Jane nods agreement that she would like to focus on this too and Lee beams and encourages her to “Go for it”.

This is a simple example but can be applied to any situation. If we can hold back our defensiveness for a few minutes and listen to what our partner is saying; if we can identify even a kernal of truth in their comments; if we can pick it up and stand for the truth of it and see what it means for us and our relationship, we are that much closer to being real and honest and to knowing genuine intimacy.

Behind accusations are almost always a kernel of truth, that when acknowledged can bring more fun, love and happiness to your relationship. Here is the process in some simple steps: