putting the heat back between the sheets

Have you heard the Barry White inspired tune by NZ comedy duo Flight of the Conchords, “Business Time”?  It is a fantastically funny parody of love-making that describes the absolute No-No’s if you want some heat between your sheets. (Check it out here)

You can be sure that hot and fabulous love takes more than 2 minutes, and cleaning one’s teeth is not part of foreplay!! Although oral hygiene is a must!

As a relationship matures in years, sex and love-making can begin to feel like 'business time'. Partners start to turn up as though they have a job to do, and not a very exciting or well-paid one at that! Putting in your required hours is hardly a turn on, and almost all of us could use a regular performance review!

So how do we heat things up between the sheets?

We first need to understand what goes on in the minds, hearts and bodies of people who have mind-blowing sex. Here are some clues:

mind-blowing lovers… 

• Approach sex with the belief that it can continue to run hot throughout a long term relationship
• Think creatively, allowing themselves both the intellectual and physical freedom to try new things, to do it differently, to access new parts of themselves in the act of love
• Are self-confident, self-loving, self-connected and self-focused
• Are respectful and caring towards their partner in all parts of their lives
• Desire their partner on all levels
• Know that sex begins long before clothes are removed – it begins with intimacy - which can never be faked!!
• Prioritize intimacy and deal with all things that interfere with intimacy
• Take the time to nurture themselves and follow the things that make them passionately engaged in life outside the relationship
• Know what turns them on and are happy to ask for it (in bedroom & beyond)
• Know what turns their partner on and are happy to give it

notice and observe

• Notice as you read through the above list, what beliefs, fears, self-doubts and unresolved issues are triggered. Write these down...
• Observe what fantasies, dreams, hopes and desires get stimulated. Write these down…
• Notice any feelings in your body and try not to judge them (we tend to think of things as good or bad) but allow them, or at least note them so that you can process them in a safe way at a later date. Find a safe place to process any difficult feelings…
• Reflect on what holds you back in your current relationship (or if not in one currently, reflect on prior experiences). Be honest and be prepared to change it…
• Ask yourself what inhibits intimacy in your relationship. Be prepared to talk with your partner and address these issues…
• Ask yourself what inhibits your ability to connect with yourself more deeply. Engage in some personal work that helps with this…
• Imagine if sex and relationship met all your hopes and desires, how would it be different. Use this to inspire change; don't use this as an ultimatum with your lover…

Exploring these questions will begin to lead you on the path to deeper, hotter sex and more intimate relationship and love.

Get the support you need, as sex and relationships can bring up many painful issues.

Enjoy,

Michelle

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