Cheated

When to stay and when to go

Staying in a relationship after your partner has cheated is a choice that needs clear thinking through. Popular logic says you are dumb to stay – but that’s not always true. For many couples, an affair can be a catalyst for greater honesty and deeper intimacy, revitalizing their relationship and renewing their committment to each other. On the other hand, an affair can be a clear signal to Get Out! Some people will cheat at any and every opportunity and you will simply be leaving yourself open to getting hurt. How do we know when to stay and when to go? Reading this article may help you decide whether to forgive and forget or take flight immediately...

Making the Right Decision

After an affair has been discovered, emotions are usually running high and our defences are way up! Friends and family might be exerting pressure to leave the cheater or to stay and work it out. And it is likely that your partner who had the affair may be trying to convince you to stay. This environment can make clear thinking incredibly difficult. We need a sound strategy for evaluating our situation and weighing up the risks and potential gains. You may also need a neutral sounding board to work through your feelings and thoughts post-affair.

Andrew Marshall's book, "How Can I Ever Trust You Again" discusses Eight Types of Infidelity, including the Accidental, Cry For Help, Retaliatory, Self-medication, Don Juan/Don Juana, Tripod, Exploratory and the Exit affair. I have extrapolated here from Andrew's Eight Types a series of themes and questions that will help you to clearly evaluate what has happened and whether trust and intimacy are recoverable.

Context

What is the context for the cheating event? Has your partner clearly and unapologetically stepped outside a monogamous agreement because of boredom, lust, anger or hurt? Was the act of cheating vengeful or controlling? Or was it an accident or a cry for help from your partner? Were they manipulated by a more powerful third-party?

Seriousness

How long did the affair last? How involved did your partner become with the third-party? Was the relationship emotional, sexual or both? Has your partner cheated in previous relationships? Did your partner facilitate their discovery by leaving clues or confessing to the affair?

Expectations

Is this the first major relationship either of you have had? Are you separated by long distance and lengthy periods apart? Have you talked openly about expectations or have these been implicit and assumed? Have you previously discussed, but never gotten clear around non-monogamous possibilities? Has your partner indicated a preference for more sexual partners but you have ignored or banned the topic?

Response

How does your partner respond to the being discovered? Are they apologetic, sincere, cold, disinterested, defensive? Do they feel guilt and remorse? Do they stop the affair immediately on being discovered or continue it behind your back? Have they made it clear to the third-party that the relationship is over? Are they defending their right to have the third-party in their life? Are they open and honest in response to your questions about the infidelity?

Health Check

Has your relationship between stagnant or struggling for some time? Have sexual issues been ongoing in your relationship? How was your emotional connection? What efforts have been made to address intimacy issues? Was your partner depressed or emotionally vulnerable? Were you distant or consumed by another interest for lengthy periods? Was there an affair (emotional or sexual) on your part prior to your partner’s cheating episode?

These questions will help you to evaluate the seriousness of the affair and the likelihood that your partner will cheat again in the future. More than anything you must learn to trust your own instincts and intuition - these are rarely wrong and it is more empowering to trust ourselves than to trust others. It is essential that you examine how your partner responds after the affair has been discovered. Your ongoing relationship will provide all the signals and information you need to make your decision - but remember there are no guarantees in life, relationships are continually evolving, and even good people will have affairs where their is disharmony, lack of respect, loss of intimacy or other problems in their primary relationship.

Putting it all together

If your partner has broken the boundaries of your monogamous relationship, and is apologetic and sincere in their recognition that their choice was wrong, and further, if they can identify the things which led to their decision to cheat – this may be cause for working on the relationship and trying to reestablish trust. People are not perfect and unconscious issues can sneak up on us all, causing us to act in ways that we feel we cannot control.

The critical issues here are ownership, acknowledgment and commitment to growth. Ownership means the individual takes full responsibility for their choice (even if it was in a drunken state). Acknowledgment means the person admits that their actions were outside the bounds of what is acceptable in the relationship and that they have caused hurt and pain through their actions. Commitment to growth means that they demonstrate an interest in doing whatever it takes to understand what led to their decision with a view to it not occurring again. It also means they are prepared to let you work through your reactions of anger, hurt and loss of trust.

If someone cannot take these steps, then trust will be impossible to rebuild because you will be agreeing to a relationship with no clearly defined boundaries. Using the phrase “it will never happen again” is insufficient if the person cannot, through coming to know their mind (and body) more fully, explain why it happened in the first place, taking full responsibility for their decision to cheat. If you forgive before these conditions are met, you are essentially signing away your rights to respect and monogamy.

If a partner is vengeful or vindictive in their cheating behaviour then there is an abusive element to the relationship. In this case, the one who is cheated on will display two behaviours patterns:- the typical submissive behaviour (accepting bad treatment, feeling powerless) or they will be equally vindictive and hurtful in return (using the situation to attack, name call, blame, and put-down the partner). This might lead to out-and-out war. Some people have relationships where hurt is the pattern that holds them together. When people feel it is okay to hurt (and be hurt) in a relationship, it is likely that both have unresolved abuse histories they are acting out on each other. Individual therapy would be most beneficial in this case.

If your partner has cheated in previous relationships, they may consciously or unconsciously feel their behaviour is acceptable. Perhaps they have gotten away with it before without any real consequence; perhaps they believe they can say one thing and do another; or maybe they even believe that cheating in monogamous relationships is natural and unavoidable. All of these things are “cop outs” – rationalizations to justify behaviour that satisfies their needs and level of emotional development. Cheating is almost certain to continue and escalate in this kind of arrangement unless you are able to redefine new boundaries.

What about a situation where you are separated by long distance for a lengthy period of time? Perhaps you romanticised (overestimated) your ability to stay celibate whilst apart. It might help to consider realistic personal needs for sexual activity under such circumstances and consider either a temporary separation, safe play while away or seek out more support strategies to work through or meet emotional and physical needs (e.g., therapy, massage, friendship & pets). Long distances can also open up new avenues for relating and being intimate. Phone sex can be hot sex! Allow your imagination to go wild, because with fantasy there really are no limits to what you can do with and for each other. When you are reunited - think of how many sizzling scenario's you will be waiting to try in real life!! However, if you do decide to allow safe play, you will both need to be honest and manage jealous reactions without burdening the other with guilt. If you dont feel you can emotionally manage this - then be honest and find another solution!

Sometimes cheating appears to be an attempt to communicate dissatisfaction with the relationship. In this situation, one or both individuals have attempted to address long standing issues with no satisfactory outcome. Perhaps counselling has even been considered, but fear holds the couple back from making the appointment. The issues have then be cast aside as 'best ignored'. Unfortunately, this plants a seed of discontent and disconnection, which can only grow and thrive in such conditions. With connection now in the background between the couple, it is easy to understand why connection looks for a new avenue of expression....and finds it with the neighbour, the best friend, the boss.

If there are problems you haven't been able to sort through together, it is naive to expect your relationship to thrive. Discontent is one of the most common causes of cheating. With honest communication and direct confrontation of the problems, a relationship can look stronger and healthier post-affair. Once again, it is important that the guilty party accept full responsibility for their misdemeanor and find better ways to bring up their feelings with their partner. Things will go better when there is a long-term commitment to respecting and addressing each person’s needs, feelings and experiences. Trust may take time to be rebuilt.

Dissatisfaction often occurs around no-sex or intimacy. One partner is labelled 'the high sex drive' partner and the other has the 'low libido' and regularly turn down sex and connection. Some individuals I have met seem to think they have a right to refuse sex indefinately and expect their lover to graciously accept "that's the way I am". Other peple seem to expect their lover to remain content with absolutely no emotional connection offered by them - "she can get that from her friends" they will say! I think both these people are deluded. Afterall, what is the point of a relationship if not to have sex and intimacy beyond friendship!? Without these, you are really roommates, friends or neighbours. If you truly have no desire for sex or emotional intimacy then take responsibility for this and either stay out of 'relationships' or allow your partner to take other lovers. You cant have it both ways.

When there are existing issues with emotional intimacy or sex in your relationship and you are not attempting to resolve these, then you should not be surprised if one or other of you begin to look outside the relationship. It is natural and healthy to desire sex and intimacy from long-term relationships; when these needs are not met, even the most monogomous partner will stray. In a perfect world, the partner would bring the issue to a head and say "I can't stay if there's to be no sex or real intimacy" and follow through in a set timeframe. Yes, that means leave them and find a more fulfilling relationship. I know its scary, but you will never get what you are after if you are not prepared to stand for what you want!!

Cheating can also be an expression of the individual’s psychology. This means that sometimes people project disowned personal qualities onto other people, and in an unconscious need to know that aspect of self, they suddenly find themselves intensely in love or lust with someone else. This kind of cheating is characterised by the intensity of feeling for the other (who is usually hardly known in a real way); confusion and feelings of love for the existing partner; feelings of euphoria or contentment in the company of the ‘adored person’. In this case, you need to examine your individual psychology and reclaim the projected elements – this means find out what you think is so wonderful about the other and fall in love with this aspect in yourself. Do this in individual therapy - dont drag your partner into it!

Another scenario where cheating commonly occurs is when one or both persons really want more than one sexual partner. For reasons of social taboo, many individuals find it scary to admit to their loved one that they are interested in having multiple partners. They believe, rightly or wrongly, that their partner will react badly, and probably leave them. Since ending the relationship is not what they are after, they keep quiet and try to fit themselves into a box which is too restrictive. This can only lead to trouble down the track. When we deny our deepest nature, our personal truth, even for love, it will inevitably seek the light.

In this instance it is essential that both parties get honest about their needs and desires from relationship. If the person does reject you, that is painful, but perhaps indicates there was a serious mismatch in needs which would have surfaced somewere down the track. Respect your desires and choices and perhaps your lover will too. Educate yourself before you speak to them and perhaps even speak with a counsellor. Who knows, perhaps the conversation might lead to an unexpected outcome. It is essential not to manipulate or coerce your lover into accepting others into your relationship. If they are not willing and genuinely interested, you are simply asking for big trouble. Accept that your lover is a free being, and that they are capable of knowing what will work for them and what will not. Multiple partners can work well with honesty, respect and clear boundaries - but they are not for everyone!

In a final situation, there is a partner who actually wants to end the current relationship. For various reasons, they find themselves unable or unwilling to make the break openly and so instead use a third party to create an reason for their partner to dump them. Usually this is successful and they are dumped, and get what they want, freedom, but do it in a hurtful and backhanded manner. If you want to leave but dont know how to end it with your partner - get some help and save yourself and everyone else pain and confusion. Most relationships that begin through cheating don't work out, as it tends to create doubt and mistrust in the new partner i.e., they cheated to be with me, so they could cheat to be with another too.

From here you might want to read 'Dating Done Differently"

Play safely and respectfully,

Michelle